What Was Once Unbalanced Is Now ReBalanced

What happens after you get what you want?

What happens when you’ve been searching for something and finally find it?

What happens after you’ve found yourself? What happens after you stop traveling the world and living in so many different places, after rarely making any sort of commitment to anyone or anything because you knew you’d be leaving eventually? You hear often of folks going out to ‘find themselves’. What you don’t hear about is what happens after they do find themselves?

Nature seeks equilibrium and balance, it abhors vacuums, spaces devoid of matter, so it dynamically fills those vacuums. It corrects itself and when there is a correction what has been unbalanced, what has been unstable, must now become rebalance and find stability. And sometimes, this rebalancing, this re-stabilization is difficult and it is painful and it opens wounds you thought you left behind in the wake of your travels. It reminds you of all the endings.

And at the same time it opens up an unknown future. It opens up beginnings. The scariest thing of all.

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I know a woman in her thirties diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Stage IV lymphoma. She thought she was going to die, for two years she battled this disease with an aggressive regimen of debilitating chemotherapy. One year into her treatment she was in remission but remained on an intensive chemotherapy regime. An awful exhausting regimen. At the time of her diagnoses she was in the midst of completing her psychiatric residency program, her boyfriend whom she lived with, moved out, she lost her house, she had to move back in with her parents, she lost all her hair, her body became skin and bones, and the entire time she was preparing herself to die.  She battled the disease, stood up to it, and in the end made peace with death.

Two years after her initial diagnosis she had a repeat PET scan. She did not relapse. She was still in remission.

And she didn’t know what to do. She was lost.

For two years she fought, battled, and came to terms with a certain fate. But now she had to live, she had to finish her residency program, find a place to live, start over in love. She had to live, she had to make decisions, she had to make plans for a future for there had been a correction and in the Universes need for equilibrium what had become unbalanced had to now become balanced. She thought her future was written out, when in fact, her future now was unknown.

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There is a fear that comes with getting what you want. There is a fear that comes with actually finding yourself. There is a fear you will not live up to your own expectations. There is a fear you will fail yourself. There is a fear you will lose everything you have. There is a fear you will lose yourself, again. It seems as if you’d been searching for so long that now you don’t know what to do, and you’re at a loss.

My story is not so dramatic, I did not stand up to death. But I did stand up to pain, loneliness, heartache, a feeling of not belonging anywhere in this world,  and my own (perceived) unworthiness of being content.

Don’t ever stop searching. Don’t ever stop dreaming. Don’t ever stop believing. Don’t ever stop growing. For what was once unbalanced will again become rebalanced.

And then, the real work starts. For there is a fear that goes along with it.

Stay tuned…

Scotland 212_4A picture from the Highlands of Scotland… just because

 

15 Comments »

  1. Tahira, you are so perceptive and have such a rapport with words. I’ll admit to not reading all of your posts but sometimes I do, and when I do your words always resonate. We get what we think we want in life and that’s when it’s the scariest – uncertainty, fear of the future and our own lack of self esteem gets in the way of us just enjoying the moment.
    I don’t think anything in my life has been planned but I’ve had the most amazing life and, just when I was feeling old age creeping in and settling down, life has given me a new lease. I too am heading in a new direction with new prospects but …. oh my …. my belief in myself really needs to come to the party.
    Thanks for still hanging around Tahira and giving us your wise words.xx

    • I love those new leases! And thank you, Pam… For still hanging around and imparting your words of wisdom just when they are needed. We may not read each others words on a regular basis, or blog on a regular basis, BUT I have always felt a connection to you. I just love those unplanned lives – I look forward to seeing what is unplanned for us both in the future!
      XX

    • Don’t “hold” for too long! 🙂 My regularity at blogging is irregular, at best! How is it possible to have so much time and no time available? A conundrum of living somewhere where Mother Nature offers so much all at once, me thinks. I have SO MANY things I want to share, now it’s just a matter of getting them out of my head and onto this web of space. Hope all is well on your end, my friend. Will catch up soon (or not?) Be well!

      • Know only too well what you mean about time available. My posting has become pretty sporadic even since our trip to the Southwest where I had some marvelous photo ops. It’s all good. So glad you’re enjoying your new location. I remember being that same sort of enthralled, too!

  2. Tahira, if I could reach out and give you a hug right now… well just pretend you’re getting a hug from me. You’re right; people always talk about the journey of trying to find themselves but no one ever talks about the life-after finding oneself. “For what was once unbalanced will again become rebalanced” AMEN!

    • And a *hug* right back. Thank you, Antoinette. Ever since we’ve virtually met, I’ve always had this connection to you. I feel as if we live parallel lives. Can we say a hallelujah to all that is rebalanced 🙂 Xx

  3. Tahira,
    As I read your posts and then the comments from your other readers, I am struck by how many of us seem to be in the same place~I am also on the brink of reaching what I always wanted (even when I didn’t know what that was!) and have felt that fear and sense of indirection that you describe. It is such a comfort to find a companion for the road into the uncertain future, a companion with beautiful wise words. And fabulous pictures! I can’t wait to read more.

    • Thank you, Melissa. You are most definitely not alone in your journey. I hope the brink brings you what you most need. Remember, fear is what you decide it to be and indirection will eventually lead you to what you want. Be well, my friend. Xx

    • You know, having “arrived” is a scary place. For that insinuates it’s done, over, completed, and that leaves me with a feeling of “now what?” And that is the feeling I dislike. My favorite word nowadays is INERTIA. Inertia is what settles in, for me, when I have “arrived” and I am coming to the realization inertia is my greatest fear.

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