What Was Once Unbalanced Is Now ReBalanced
What happens after you get what you want?
What happens when you’ve been searching for something and finally find it?
What happens after you’ve found yourself? What happens after you stop traveling the world and living in so many different places, after rarely making any sort of commitment to anyone or anything because you knew you’d be leaving eventually? You hear often of folks going out to ‘find themselves’. What you don’t hear about is what happens after they do find themselves?
Nature seeks equilibrium and balance, it abhors vacuums, spaces devoid of matter, so it dynamically fills those vacuums. It corrects itself and when there is a correction what has been unbalanced, what has been unstable, must now become rebalance and find stability. And sometimes, this rebalancing, this re-stabilization is difficult and it is painful and it opens wounds you thought you left behind in the wake of your travels. It reminds you of all the endings.
And at the same time it opens up an unknown future. It opens up beginnings. The scariest thing of all.
I know a woman in her thirties diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Stage IV lymphoma. She thought she was going to die, for two years she battled this disease with an aggressive regimen of debilitating chemotherapy. One year into her treatment she was in remission but remained on an intensive chemotherapy regime. An awful exhausting regimen. At the time of her diagnoses she was in the midst of completing her psychiatric residency program, her boyfriend whom she lived with, moved out, she lost her house, she had to move back in with her parents, she lost all her hair, her body became skin and bones, and the entire time she was preparing herself to die. She battled the disease, stood up to it, and in the end made peace with death.
Two years after her initial diagnosis she had a repeat PET scan. She did not relapse. She was still in remission.
And she didn’t know what to do. She was lost.
For two years she fought, battled, and came to terms with a certain fate. But now she had to live, she had to finish her residency program, find a place to live, start over in love. She had to live, she had to make decisions, she had to make plans for a future for there had been a correction and in the Universes need for equilibrium what had become unbalanced had to now become balanced. She thought her future was written out, when in fact, her future now was unknown.
There is a fear that comes with getting what you want. There is a fear that comes with actually finding yourself. There is a fear you will not live up to your own expectations. There is a fear you will fail yourself. There is a fear you will lose everything you have. There is a fear you will lose yourself, again. It seems as if you’d been searching for so long that now you don’t know what to do, and you’re at a loss.
My story is not so dramatic, I did not stand up to death. But I did stand up to pain, loneliness, heartache, a feeling of not belonging anywhere in this world, and my own (perceived) unworthiness of being content.
Don’t ever stop searching. Don’t ever stop dreaming. Don’t ever stop believing. Don’t ever stop growing. For what was once unbalanced will again become rebalanced.
And then, the real work starts. For there is a fear that goes along with it.
A picture from the Highlands of Scotland… just because